Why does someone always cry at Thanksgiving?

Why is Thanksgiving so emotional? Shouldn’t we, ya know, be giving thanks instead of shedding tears?

While we could talk about everything from family (what that word means and what that configuration looks like) to loss, estrangement, stress, and cultural complexity, we could also boil it down to one powerful theme: unconscious expectations.

Thanksgiving is never about this year’s dinner table. It’s about every Thanksgiving table we’ve ever sat at and every table we wish we could create.

It’s a holiday full of history—personal, cultural, and emotional.

Where We’re Headed Today

• What is the expectation you don’t know you’re expecting - but still expect?

• If that’s the expectation, now what? 

• And when-oh-when does that thanks part enter the scene? 

And because recipes are everywhere this week, I’m mixing it up with a playlist instead: “People are over and I’m cooking”—to help you set the scene.

What is the expectation you don’t know you’re expecting - but still expect?

Mind and heart are living in one reality. Body is living in another. Cue the tears.

In the years after my mother passed away, I was going about my business, going on the grocery runs, chopping all the vegetables, welcoming the guests warmly, and all seemed, on the surface, like it was all going as planned.

But if just one thing went wrong—a forgotten side dish or a misplaced comment at the table—I would feel a surge of reaction, bursting through like a broken pipeline: “someone just pass the goddamn SALT!” Umm….

It wasn’t about salt. Never is. Wasn’t about the logistics. It wasn’t about Aunt Sally and the horrible way she brings up politics at the table. It was under the circumstances, under the things to do, under the uncomfortable configuration of worlds sitting together, pretending this is normal.

It was the quiet script running under it all.
The one that said: “Mom should be here.” 

Loss’ll do it. And of course, there’s an infinite number of narratives and challenges, especially as we get older, and November 2024 - that’s a whole thing right there.

This year, more than a few of my friends are stepping into Thanksgiving tables where they’ll be breaking bread with folks they’re not thrilled to see. Whether it’s the complexities of blended families, a new partner someone brought along, the reality of aging parents, or a child someone’s worried is a "bad influence," there’s often an unspoken narrative like: “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”

And let’s not forget the expectation alive in the holiday’s name itself - giving thanks. For many of us, we feel the weight of the world—the cultural misgivings of its origin, the geo-political pain of our time, or just the exhaustion of carrying too much—making gratitude feel distant.

What we’re unaware of, we give our power to.
First step: acknowledge what’s happening. We need to ask ourselves:
rational or irrational, what alternative reality am I wishing for?

Here is a list of some of the most common Unspoken Expectations that are unconsciously driving our emotions: